Revelation #2: Pride

I love food, and one of the problem that I have along with this stupidcancer is I have to struggle with food. Well not because of personal choices but more so to satisfy caretakers opinion on what is the right diet for myself.

I remembered jolly well when I first got diagnosed, everyone around me wanted me to change my diet. I was doing at least 3 treatments in a month back then. I felt bloated almost all the time, I can't sleep well at night due to hot flushes, my taste butts changed to feel like eating cardboard for everything, and then, nausea.

However despite all these, I have to go on a strict diet immediately. No comfort food, no gradual transition but, straight away I was cut out of what I enjoy. What's more discouraging is sometimes I have to sit at the same table where others are enjoying food I can't have. For a foodie like me, it was really tormenting. I felt unfair, angry then bitter.

I wanted my caretakers to choke on those food that I can' have, I wanted that they too were sick. That, was how bitter I became. Over time, I started to put the blame on God for placing me amongst weaklings who don't have faith in His healing. I became depress, dark... ...the Spirit was not with me.

Until one day, over a fried rice (yeap, fried rice), I blew my steam and got into a big fight with JB. Only then I got my revelation.

I realized then that I have been deceived by pride. Because I have always believed I am healed, I looked at any effort to change and improve as a disbelief to the promises of God. I didn't realize that pride was slowly placing its stronghold in me, inviting bitterness and depression - making me 'blind' to see my angles good intentions.

Now that I can 'see' more clearly, every compliments that I receive for looking healthy and good during treatment undeniably goes directly to them. And I am very very grateful to have my caretakers.

God, you work in mysterious ways. Thank you for revealing to me that I have fallen prey to pride through a simple fried rice. I pray that you will guard my heart and not let me fall into the same trap again... Amen!


Stupidgale is a Sino-Kadazan office nerd during the day and leisure blogger by night. She enjoys writting about everything under the sun and is currently living in Singapore with her family (including teddygirl the corgi).

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