X-mas Wish to Santa

Two more weeks and I will be back to Asia – home.

But do I actually have a home?

Once, I’ve ever heard people say that home is wherever your loved ones are because it is where you will feel safe and belonged… I thought I had one, but unfortunately I lost my home a few years back when my family broke up… never really confess to anyone until now that I had never felt like I had a home after that… because it would make me look like a lost kitten looking for her way back...

I use to put up a smile to cover up… but it gets harder these days…

Though I am moving to Australia… it never occur to me that I will finally find my home again… it’s more like a transition and a change of new environment… the shadow of a broken home will always linger in me no matter where I go… and the more I try to deny it the harder it hits me…

I am glad that my mom and dad are both doing well… don’t know about my brother though… all I can do is pray that he has a mind that is stronger than me…

The truth is I had been lying to myself… I am devastated by the fact that my happy family does not exist at all… it’s all a lie that was painted to look OK from the outside… but in actual fact it is all for show… like how I have been keeping up with a smiling face even when I’m sad…

Tears don’t mean anything to me now… and I am finding myself harder to shade anymore tears… So this year, I guess my wish to Santa is I want to find my home again… and make up to everything that is gone...

Fingers cross... I still have a short term memory that works pretty well and I am thankful to it...

Stupidgale

Stupidgale is a Sino-Kadazan office nerd during the day and leisure blogger by night. She enjoys writting about everything under the sun and is currently living in Singapore with her family (including teddygirl the corgi).

2 comments:

Abet said...

I really believed u when u said that u r fine with the breakup.. i can see that u didn't really wanna talk about it.. & i can c dat u r a little apprehensive about going back to Sabah..

I guess u r not fine with it huh.?~ cheer up.. u have a whole amazing life ahead of u..

Stupidgale said...

haha.. glad that u made it here... and yes.. you are rite.. I am dead scared to go back.. too many memories (good and bad)...

if it is that easy to let go, i guess there won't be a word such as "try"...

now worries ya.. I'm good at cheering up.. and i guess you already know that.. hahah